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“I’ve had my ups and downs. My fair share of bumpy roads and heavy winds. That’s what made me what I am today. Now I stand here before you. What you see is a body crafted to perfection. A pair of legs engineered to defy the laws of physics and a mindset to master the most epic of splits.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7FIvfx5J10
Bonus: not only van Damme
And if you understand this joke, time to schedule your colonoscopy